To sleep or not to sleep?...

At night your little hands do a dance across me. There are sweet caresses of reassurance. Immediate grabbing of urgency. Tickling, drifting, lazy fingers. Early morning exploring. Late night cuddles. I know I've mentioned it before but it's so precious. You find me, grab at me furiously and then hold on to me while sleeping. I think it's the most loved and cherished I've ever felt. Sometimes, though I'm exhausted, I make myself stay awake and watch you by light of the alarm-clock. Time is going by. 

7 months...

I feel like this is going to be gone before I know it. I've reached a breaking point several times lately. While nursing, putting you down, the constant attending to you sleeping. I just keep reminding myself though there will be a point when you don't need me like this anymore. There will be days when I look back on this time and know it was much easier. And there are moments when I remind myself that even when things are hard they are now things I know so well and I know how to handle them even if I'm exhausted. Everything you do I'm so proud of. Every-time I smell your hair/head I get swooney. Then you crack a smile and my heart is lost. Even in the toughest moments I find reserves I thought were long diminished. You challenge me. You expand me. You teach me so much every day. 

Great Realization...

I'm thrilled to report that almost 7 months in I feel really great about this gig as your Mamma. I mean I don't feel scared or intimidated by it anymore. I know there are lots of decisions ahead of us, lots of moments when I will question my choices, options, statements, emotions, resolve, but never will I doubt myself as a good Mom. At least I hope not to. I hope to always remind myself that I'm so filled with love for you; I genuinely regard ensuring  your physical, mental, and emotional health my top priority in life.  I also strive to keep in mind not to compare you with other children. As with every parent there is exaggeration involved so it's pointless anyway. You are unique and special, and so am I as your Mom. I can't wait to grow into this role more!

Sniffles...

So you are sick for the first time. A slight cold. At least we think so. Runny nose, rather cranky and horse voice. Course you had a night of crying when this all occurred so it's kinda like the chicken and the egg thing. Which one caused what? Anyway, I can tell you aren't feeling good and it just sucks I can't fix you right away. Your Da and I also have colds. I think it's all not helped by us getting so dried-out at night. I'm going to set up the humidifier tonight in our room. In fact, I best go do that right now because you keep rousing. I'm sorry you're sick sweet babe. 

Thanksgiving...

I'm certain I can speak for your Da on this account by saying we are most thankful for you this year, and for what you have meant to our family as a whole. Both your Daddy and I get quite emotional together, thanking each other for being such a great spouse, becoming a parent. You father is a wonderful man for many reasons, but one I admire and cherish is his ability to verbalize his love for me, and now you. He seems to be so happy with where he is in life right now. I'm thankful for a greater sense of family than I ever had before. I'm thankful to know myself better than I thought I could. I'm thankful your father and I have the opportunity to have our love grow in new and boundless ways. I'm thankful for the challenges, the rewards, all the learning, all the laughter. I'm thankful for you in ways that words can never describe. I'm astounded that we are just 6.5 months into this journey together. 

Calling all Holidays...

We are now entering the time of year I love most. Your Uncle Craig arrives tonight to join us for Thanks-giving this week. As usual we will have lots of friends over. I'm so excited to introduce you to smells, sounds, sights of things that will continually illicit joy in your heart for years to come. Your Nana did such an amazing job giving me a never-ending supply of joyous memories to look back on as a kid... but I would have to say the Spirit of this season that was breathed into us I truly treasure. Already I have taken you to stores on days when we have nothing else to do, just to play in the Christmas isles. To see your fascination with bows, snow globes, jingle bells, and ornaments is so glorious for me to watch. I totally teared up waiting in line downtown with you for your first encounter of Santa because my heart felt so connected to my Mom and her feelings towards him... and then I realized I'm a mom too! I love singing you Christmas carols also. They have always been some of my favorite songs and I'm sure years from now you will still get sprinklings of Christmas songs year-round as lullabies.

You leaf me laughing...

You and I had the best time together yesterday. We went to a little girl's birthday party, nothing noteworthy there, in fact you slept through some of it and then the rest was just too crazy for your momma to stand very long. So you and I went out into the cold, windblown yard and happened into a pile of leaves. Wet and smelling of decomposition, we plopped down right in the middle of them. I threw them in the air around us, held up handfuls and let the wind pull them free, shook my hands in them to make lots of rustling noises and you just laughed and laughed. You loved it. Sitting on my lap you reached forward to get your own hands in the action, flapping both arms making the leaves "crunch" on your own. Means it will be even more exciting to you next fall. 

Trick or Treat?

Totally a treat... this week, that is. Your Nana has been here and it's been a joy to see how much she loves you and wants to be with you. That is one of the best gifts I could've gotten, seeing my Mother in love with you. She made you the BEST costume, a little dragon. We were all going to dress up, but since you would have stolen the show anyway, we did not. Everywhere we went people "Oh-ed and Ah-ed" about you. People went out of their way to come over and admire you, take pictures of you, talk to you. You were so accommodating too, just as sweet as can be to all these strangers coming up to you. Also, big news!, your first tooth poked through on Halloween day. I'm thankful now that I know why you've been kinda off this past week. I imagine it's alot of new and not-so-great feelings in your small mouth. I'm also nervous of the teeth to come. It's funny, it made me sad momentarily since I love your smile "as is" and felt like "oh, no! he's growing up so fast already". Still, it's rewarding to see you progress. We were going to start you on sweet potatoes for your first solid food while Nana was here but with the new tooth going on I think we will wait until you are more settled with it. I'm sooooo tired. I'm going to grab you outta your crib and head to bed as we are the only two here and I can't wait to curl up with you. 

Lots of "milestones"...

You have just been taking on and achieving so many things I read you are supposed to be doing. Makes me wonder about babies all over the world, if they all do roughly the same things regardless of culture. So, you are getting better and better with rolling over, front to back is no problem and lighting fast, you barely even will stay on your tummy now. I've only seen you go back to front twice but am certain as soon as you really discover that you can get anywhere by doing this over and over, there will be no stopping you. You are practicing sitting lots but much prefer to stand actually. You have very strong legs and we only have to slightly hook our hands under your ams to keep you from leaning but it's all your strength keeping you upright. Your feet have finally made it to your mouth. Passing toys between your hands constantly and then studying your fingers in depth. Learning the "drop the toy over the side and Mom will pick it up" game. Two days ago blowing bubbles. Just today a weird open and closing of your mouth for a smacking/popping effect. Jibber-jabbering at some amazingly loud levels. You know what I mean when I say "shake it" and you have a rattle in hand. Definitely know the sound of water and love watching it trickle. And no matter how deep of sleep you love to flip yourself my way so we cuddle. 

Momma's Hair

You have taken a fondness to dancing your hands through my hair when you are sleepy or fussy. Yes, you also pull it on occasions (I've lost alot of hair this way already). Mainly you just like to swish your hand through it as you drift off or you find it to comfort you when you are fussy while sleeping. It's precious. 

What a beautiful day!...

We went to Hickory Nut Farm out by Bat Cave ( yes, that's a place) with Colleen and Christopher. It was one of those wonderful first fall days, sunny and warm yet crisp in the shade. All the smells of the countryside I miss so much were present and I was thrilled to think of you drinking them in. There were tons of animals for you to see, lots of amazing apples, and you went to the pumpkin patch for your very first pumpkin (which I just got done carving). I had so much fun with you I could've stayed all day. I'm excited already to go back next year when you will run around and think it's all so amazing. 

I'm 2 Sheets to the Wind...

I've washed the sheets we slept on and then took our morning nap on, twice before 10... 

that's not your fault, it's the crappy diapers fault. Still, that's never happened in my life before. 

Little hands fluttering on my face...

In the middle of the night, or anytime you are asleep, and you get fussy, I just lay my face near you and you roll right over on your side, and with your soft little hands hold my face. It makes you calm down right away just knowing I'm there. It's a great feeling. The best. 

Pillows and Pacifiers...

We cuddle all night together. When you first go down to sleep you have your paci but by the time we are snuggling you don't want it anymore. So I tuck it under my pillow. It was the sweetest feeling the first time I did it. Like, if someone searched my home they would find that tucked away. Almost like a good luck, sweet dreams token. :) How interesting the changes in my world. 

Time flying...

Time is flying by and I find myself already looking back and saying "remember when?" to your Da. This week has been full of new things with you. You have become so vocal! All the info I read says this is when you will begin "cooing"... lol, well, sweet child, you don't coo. You do this high-pitched squealy thing. Apparently your Father did the same thing. It's loud and I LOVE it! Also this week, you have found your feet with your hands. You had been looking at them for awhile and had been holding your knees to "help me" on the changing table. Now you can grab your left foot/toes and hold on to it/them. I think this really excites you. The only time you get your paci is when it's time for a nap or bed. I give it to you to soothe you and signal "calm time". Now you are trying to learn to suck your thumb, which I'm fine with and all for! Thumbs don't fall on the floor repeatedly. Still, the only time you try this is when you are supposed to be falling asleep and you take out your paci, suck on your hands, play with the paci, suck on your fingers some more, over and over so now it's something that's keeping you up. I'm torn because you are doing so great on your naps and bedtime that I really keep pushing the paci. Hopefully you'll get the hang of your thumb during playtime soon and then we can just rely on that. Most of your beautiful dark hair is gone. You are increasingly blonde, though not the almost snow white that I was, but that may still happen. I'm so excited your Nana is coming for Halloween and making you a costume! You are to be a little dragon this year! lol. Your dad and I had some "tacky" ideas, but Nana didn't want to make those costumes. Anyway, I'm even more excited because she's supposed to bring all of Uncle Christopher's and mine photos of us growing up! I'll have a whole new perspective to look at them with. We are finally going to put them all in albums and then later (if she'll let me keep them) I can scan them all.  That is one thing to know about me... I love photos. You laugh tons now and especially with your Da as he can get pretty silly. You and I have had to sleep in the Blue Room a couple nights since you've been waking around 5 and want to cry and then play. But I get you back to sleep, after MUCH dancing and "shush-ing" and we crash in there. Let's see, oh! yesterday was the first day of Autumn and I'm so excited because I love fall and the Seasonal celebrations that will soon begin! You are napping and I'm going to play online now! I love you Haydin Fischer. 

Being a Mommy...

It is such a joy to have joined a new tribe. 

One that really has meaning.

One that is so worthwhile. 

I feel so bonded to all the moms out there. 

To this glorious task of loving so deep. 

I don't know what I would have done with out you in my life. 

I would have never fully experienced or embraced life.

I love you more and more with each passing moment. 

Each nano-second. 

Your Daddy...

Your father is such an amazing man. I've never seen someone so in love with their son. He's just over-the-moon for you. He can make you smile like no other. We just got back from your first camping trip and Da carried you around in the sling and you two were quite the pair. He is so excited for all the great outdoorsie stuff he'll get to introduce you to and all the amazing places we will go as a family. He's so good to the both of us and I just want you to know son, he thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to him... 

The best EVER!...

Yesterday it was rainy and blustery, my favorite weather. Your Daddy was off work. We all had such a nice day together. You and I went and met a new group: Asheville Mommies and had so much fun. There were lots of babies your age including a little girl born the same day as you and at the same hospital. Anyway, you were pretty fussy all afternoon and I finally turned you over to your Dad and decided I would take a bath. With all the rain Dad realized our drains outside (which weren't put in correctly) were going to clog and overflow again, when he laid you down you cried and so I was going to cut my bath short (only the second one I've had since you were born, and I definitely needed to relax). Before I knew it you were in the tub with me while Dad ran out into the storm.

Oh Haydin, it was the best bath I have ever taken and it was so amazing to experience your first big boy bath really with you. The tub is super deep and so I propped my knees up and you sat on my belly leaning back on my legs at first. Then you clearly were curious and wanted to sit up. So you sat on my belly, with legs on both sides kicking, and I held under your arms which left them to splash vigorously! We had the yellow ducky in there too and he bobbed between us and you captured him and put him in your mouth. Bounced you up and down in the water and then held you chest down to float, and zoom, you little butt floated up and you really kicked your legs! I think in that position it was a bit "oh my gosh, what's happening" so I put you back on my belly to sit. I could have stayed in there for ever with you. I can't wait to do it again and again. 

Sneaking...

I sneak sniffs of you while you sleep. If we aren't napping together, which is rare since you find it hard to nap without your momma, I go in to check you and always have to hover my nose around your neck or head and sniff...sniff...sniff. Ahhhhh! It's my favorite smell in the whole wide world. Indeed. 

KaThunk...

Sometimes I get little surprises from you. Today we were laying in bed for our nap and I had my hand on your chest and there went your little heart, KaThunk, KaThunk, and I was so excited and blown away. Granted these are things that are always going on but as with anything that is constant, we sometimes forget about them. I was so happy to feel your strong, healthy heart beating, feel your chest rise and fall with sturdy breaths. What a joy. What a wonder. 

Stroller Club...

So you and I took a very nice walk yesterday. We went to the lake right by the house, Enka Lake/Biltmore Lake. It was a bit rough on you in the stroller though you didn't seem to mind, I was just worrying that it was bouncing you too much. The paths were all mulch or sand and the stroller we have for you isn't one of those jogging/all-terrain deals. So there were some times it was hard for me but it gave me a great work out. So there was a point were I was just struck with " I'm almost 30, I'm pushing a stroller, the stroller has MY son in it, when did all this happen?" Seems my life has flown by so quick up to this point now. Feels like it was yesterday I was a kid enjoying climbing in my lemon tree in California. Or playing in the fields and tending to the goats in Ohio. Even all my crazy antics through high school seems not so long ago. I looked at you there sleeping and it was the happiest I've been yet... through any point in my life. I felt so at peace. I'm enjoying this Motherhood deal. ;) 

Your first hike...

So we went on our first hike together when we had some company in from out of town. I wore you in the Moby Wrap and was worried you would get too hot and I'd have to pull you out and just carry you over my shoulder. However, you just loved the walking momentum and then you began to look around and pay attention. I was so thrilled for you to smell Pisgah. It has this very amazing smell that I've always loved and isn't replicated anywhere else. So we drove up on the Parkway and went to Devil's Courthouse. The first time I was there I was 15. "Long before you were a glimmer in my eye". It was one place, among many, that sang to my heart and told me I belong here in these mountains. It felt so right having you up there. My footsteps treading the same path as so long ago yet with my son. How amazing. I'm sure over time you and I will do that same hike, many times. What conversations will we have on the journey? Will you sit up there and contemplate the greatness of the world, as I do? Will your heart be struck with such happiness? I say so many prayers for you, wherever we go Haydin. Saying prayers from that height makes them feel closer to the source in a way. 

Singing in the Shower...

So now all three of us have taken a shower together twice. Since you are small and slippery it takes two of us, one to hold you and one to wash you. But it is so much fun. You got water in your face last night more than you've ever had and you were so great about it. No fussing at all. You're just curious and like to study things. I think you liked the part where I just held you and faced you to the water stream and let it hit your feet, but because you watched all the sparkly things falling. The way the light is in there it made it really neat for you. Also we sang and it's really echo-y. Someday you will run around in there with me and it will be so much fun!

Ha Ha Ha!

Haydin! Oh you laughed today... Lots, I might add. Daddy cradled you with his arms extended and swung you side to side as you gazed at the fan. Talk about lots of fun things happening to you at once. So your Father and I laughed along with you which encouraged you more and more and it was the highlight of both our day! You just laughed and laughed and we were so amazed with you! 

4, 5, 6...

Our newest increments of time asleep at night. You've done only one 6 hr stretch but it sure was heaven for me. The 4 & 5 hour stretches are just as divine, much better than every 2 hours. Course, I still wake up quite often just because my body is, and has been, on so many different schedules with you. When you sleep longer than normal I still wake up and  lean over you in bed or in your bassinet to see if you are going to wake, believing in our connection, and you just keep on sleeping. I find myself exhausted and yet there I stay, leaning and looking at you. 

Barefoot and ?...

Pregnant? no. That's the way the phrase goes, yes. But it wasn't until you were here that I came down with a severe case of "mommy brain". Apparently meaning I not only forget things, am spacey, can't hold a full conversation, but am just plain not "Kate". Anyway, left the house with you yesterday for an appointment. Almost got on the interstate and realized I wasn't wearing shoes. No, didn't just take them off to drive, as I would for a road trip. Plain left the house barefoot. lol. Turned around, now slightly late for our appointment, and home to get em. Silly momma. 

Hair today...

Gone tomorrow, well not really tomorrow but soon. You are loosing quite a bit of hair Haydin and it appears it will be coming back in blonde. I am already missing your dark hair and can't picture you any other way. It's funny, not only does your hair look like your Daddy's but sometimes it even smells just like his. There is an underlying something that is the same... must be in the DNA seeping through.  

This sunrise brought to you by...

Haydin! Yes, I would say throughout my pregnancy and since you've been born, I have seen more sunrises than I have my whole life. While I'm excruciatingly tired I still feel so wonderful each time I glimpse that beauty. There is something special about early morning when everything has that hush except for the birds waking up. When the whole world seems to belong to them. Our valley, full of mountain clouds drifting through and rising. So many colors washing over things, streaming in through your bedroom window making the prisms dance with rainbows. I love the smell of the air at this time of day second best to twilight. Well, you are fussing right now so I'm done on here. Just thank you for letting me appreciate the earliest times of day. 

Size and looks...

So at 7 weeks you wear 3-6 month old clothes. The last time we weighed you was 2 weeks ago and you were 13lbs. 9ozs. approximately (had to weigh you on a package scale because you don't go back to the docs for quite some time). I imagine you are even more now. I'm constantly impressed by your hands and feet. I haven't been around a lot of babies in my life but I can tell you have very wide hands and truly some sturdy lookin' feet! Your hair is still amazing also though I have noticed it falling out a bit and maybe coming in lighter or that could just be because you are out in the sun more. You are sleeping on your belly occasionally for naps which seems to help the gas situation. I should be napping right now with you but I'm always trying to get little bits done while you are sleeping. Anyway, you are a very healthy boy. Also, your face has changed slightly, slimming a bit in the cheeks. We love it when you yawn because your face thins out and we can catch a glimpse of a little boy face. You also have this face sometimes when sleeping and Da and I alert each other to it because it's so precious. 

Your SMILE!...

Haydin Fischer...

wow, you blew my heart to bits this morning. You have been smiling lately (between 5 and 6 weeks) and it's been magical. However, this morning your Grandmother was holding you and you were doing some sweet little smiles and I was in the other room listening to the reactions, admittedly getting jealous. So I went out to see you and came up and spoke to you and you just poured out the biggest smile and shook your hands at me and it just kept going....

There you were smilin'

There I was cryin'

You melt my heart.

Photogenic...

Your Nana and I talked tonight. She says she notices something different about me in all the recent pics. My smile is a smile she's never seen before. A new one, from some new expanse of my heart. It's my smile, shinning with light, exuding pride, swelling with adoration, usurping all previous smiles...

my smile when I'm looking at you. 

On another "photo" note... I've never felt so photogenic. This is the first time in my life I haven't wanted to hide outside of the pictures. Where I haven't worried what I look like or sucked in my belly. My hair disheveled. No makeup in public, lol. Thanks for the liberation. Thanks for the inspiration. 

Bottles...

So Daddy gave you your second bottle tonight. This is really good as he craves to bond with you that way and it will give me some freedom. But I'm sad about it too, and a bit jealous. Granted being "on" all day and night for you is hard but I pride myself in giving you 110% and being good at it. It's hard for me to share that. Silly huh? Your father is so happy though and truly I am too. It feels a bit like you don't need me even though I know it's my milk. I'm sure this part will get easier too. 

The Lake...

I took you to Lake Powahtan today and we will be going there alot more this summer. You did so great! Got some sunshine, but not too much and we hung out in the shade mainly. Still, I had sunscreen on you but forgot it on myself. Momma has a charred back fur sure! Anyway, you were awake the whole time and just looking at your surroundings. I thought that was pretty cool. No fussiness from the heat or anything. I didn't take you in the water yet b/c Daddy wants to be the first one to do that. We are supposed to go to the pool tomorrow but I really don't want to with how much sun I got today. We shall see. Oh, and there was tons of wind today too, so you got lots of fresh air that way! 

Colic??

Wow, I read somewhere that it should be classified a four letter word... they are right. Now, judging on what I read you have very mild colic compared to lots of babies. Course, that doesn't surprise me, as your adoring mother, that you aren't like most babies... you are so wonderful by comparison on so many levels;) Anyway, that silly word Colic sounds like you have a hideous disease. Well, it just describes your fussy period of the day. Yours is late afternoon through evening, til like nine. Still, there are lots of moments during that where you are consolable. I just keep switching your position while holding you, sing to you, dance around, lay you on your changing table with your diaper undone and massage your sweet belly. Really that's the only thing you cry about, gas and poop! It's very heart-wrenching though as a parent. I see you straining until your face is beet red, you wail, you whimper, your whole body goes tense with pushing. I'd give anything for it to not hurt you. I know this will pass but for right now it's dreadful. Your Da had you last night and you just wouldn't stop. It wasn't that he was doing anything wrong, or that I could have done anything different to soothe you, but I wanted to rip you out of his arms because when you cry like that I feel as though I'm failing you somehow. Sure, I've read all the sites and books that say "don't worry you are not a bad parent, there isn't anything you can do". I refuse to believe that, of course, and want to do my damnedness. My stomach was so upset from hearing you wail I about vomited. Anyway, thank goodness all this will pass and soon your little system will feel and work alot better. 

Feeding you...

So you are a breastfed baby. You and I did great from the start. I was very determined that this was something that meant a lot to me for your health, well-being, and our bonding. I absolutely love doing it too. It doesn't even phase me really to get up that often in the night. Lately you are sleeping for longer periods and that has actually been hard on me because you were on a very great schedule already and now you and I are relearning it again. I suppose that will go on and on. So I finally dug in and opened the breast pump box, knowing this is the week to start a bottle to get you used to it so that Mom can have time away eventually to go back to work and do personal things eventually. So yesterday, sitting and watching my milk flow into a container that was not you, I sat there astounded, again,  by my sweet little body and what it's capable of. I considered that part of your Dad's Father's Day present yesterday. Your Da has been so amazing while I'm breast feeding you, always bringing you over to me but with slight jealousy. He's stated so many times that he wishes he could feed you and take care of you in that respect. I think that's so beautiful and honorable. So, this morning he got my milk out of the fridge, heated it up while cradling you, I went outside and he sat down in the rocker. You're such a champ with everything Haydin. You took that bottle and made your Da so happy. Later I came in as you were finished and I was so heartbroken and yet happy. It was like loosing a part of you and I already. Like you were growing up and away from me. I know we are continueing to breastfeed 90% of the time, I know you still need me, I know that sharing your love and that special bonding time with your Father is beneficial to all of us... but still. My heart was so twisted. Anyway, I'm so glad it went well. I'm excited to do it again and again, to see you grow healthy regardless of feeding method. 

Course, this all ended with you spitting it all back up on Da...

You had already done the same to me first thing in the morning. 

Silly boy. 

Little Hands...

The past week I've been most conscious of your hands. It is so special to me that you now hang on to me. When we are walking or you are breast-feeding you grab me with your free hand. It makes me think of so many moments like this to come. Hauling you out of the car when you are five and  groggy asleep, I still will be slinging you over my shoulder and you'll wrap limp arms around my neck and grasp at me. Taking walks and holding hands, swinging you one-armed, just the two of us. You sleeping on my chest and your hand splayed on my open skin, fingers dancing while you dream. Little hands touching my face, tangled in my hair, wrapped in a hug around my leg. Goddess, Haydin, I'm so excited for every moment to come in our future together. 

Keeping clean...

Your sweet little body. You've still got baby acne. Today found you have dandruff/cradle cap. There is milk smeared all over your face. You have so many folds, creases, tucks. Keeping you clean is a challenge... and you aren't even into things yet... yikes!  You already hate your face washed. You whip your head bad and forth to avoid the washcloth. Trying to figure out a way to make that silly or fun for you because, goddess knows, that's going to happen ALOT in the future! Maneuvering you in that tiny tub is so tricky too. You would think there would be an easier way. I love seeing the surprise on your face though as I slide you into water. Thinking of all the baths we will take together in the future, what fun! 

Destined...

So to let you know about your father and I...

We had been together for 9 years before we started really discussing the possibility of you. Just to lay it all out there, because I know I will be this open and honest with you in life later on and in person: but I had had two abortions before I met your Dad. I have always felt assured and content with my decisions regarding both those situations. I believe each womyn will still always come away  some very powerful feelings though, such as "what if I'm punished for it later". That sentiment is funny where I'm concerned b/c I don't believe in a vengeful Creator, but sometimes those thoughts still creep in. Also, the hurt of both those situations, regarding the guys I was with at such a young age, still lingered and I found myself acting the hard-ass to cover for both situations when dealing with people. Everyone was always so concerned and caring which I've never been comfortable with being on the receiving end of love. So I just got into a pattern. "Nah, I don't want kids", "Gosh, I can't stand kids", on and on and on, more and more vehement. From the time we were together your Dad agreed with me, didn't want kids, just not who we were, better off just the two of us. Then when our 9 year mark rolled around there was a night I was a bit tipsy which lead to a bit emotional. I confronted Dad about "why don't you ever mention kids, do you think I wouldn't be a good mother?, or that I would look cute pregnant? etc". I started crying. Your father just chuckled as I want on and on  with all my "why don't yous?...." and wrapped me in his arms. Said, " I've always wanted kids with you Kate, I've just known you weren't ready to talk/think about them. I've just been agreeing with you. Can I stop agreeing with you now?" And so our conversations about choosing to have a child began. I'm so thankful that your father knows and loves me so much as to allow me to "heal" in that way, to push it away enough to want to pull it close and really examine it. He has always had a leg up on knowing me better than I know myself somehow. So we talked and talked about it. It never became an overwhelming desire of we really NEED a kid to make our life complete, to make things better, to make our relationship more healthy. That is something else I'm so grateful for. We love you so dearly but we started out loving each other so greatly that it actually was hard to consider bringing another person into our lives to share each other with. Anyway, I finally decided I would be off the pill and we would be safe in other ways so that my body could get healthy if we decided to go ahead with getting pregnant. Then we finally came up with a plan that was: we would go on vacation to Hatteras as usual and from that week on we would just let things happen and IF we got pregnant, ok. I had heard from all my girlfriends it usually takes 6 months of really trying to conceive. Somehow the planner that I am though had it all worked out that I would be pregnant at such-and-such time and out of work by such-and-such date, etc. So we go on vacation and not to be too detailed but it only happened twice where we were able to throw caution to the wind. It was a very strange feeling after all to consider after all this time of us just being intimate that this time it could be something on such a grand scale. I remember how awkward it was for both of us and that we both seemed more apprehensive than excited. So I changed my mind temporarily, thought, emotionally maybe neither one of us is ready for this. Wouldn't you know it though... you already existed. So that's where the destined comes in... I feel like the Creator has just been watching over you father and I for so long, loving us, giving us challenges together and amazing rewards and just waiting for us to open a door for you. And as quickly as it opened and shut, sent you our way. It's so great getting to know you because I feel like I've known you forever already. This whole time your little soul crafted hovering with us, all of us being crafted and honed for each other. It gives me such a sense of reassurance in life. Anytime I get nervous or upset about not "being more" in life, I just remember and look at this amazing road that Dad and I have been placed on and how every step leads us to another blessing. The biggest of which is you Haydin Fischer. 

Teaching Me...

I had no idea you could teach me so much when you are so little. All the late night moments together are probably my favorite. You have taught me trust, with the look on your face as you lay your head on my shoulder as we dance and rock to soothe you. You have taught me to appreciate the fact that I'm very capable and adaptable like when I can make some of your first smiles happen, or cease your crying. You have taught me I'm truly a kinder more caring person than I've ever given myself credit for and I notice this with my need to to touch, hold, smell you even when I'm worn out from all of it. Mainly you are teaching me patience in life. Waiting for you to arrive, waiting to get my body back, being okay with not "accomplishing" big lofty things, waiting to hear you say you love me so I can finally know that I'm important to you not just in the survival sense. I told your Da last night that being a wife and mom is truly what I was destined to do and the rest doesn't really mean shit. It's an exciting feeling to finally know what to put all my energy towards... I am very determined to be both wife and mom to the best of my ability. Thank you for teaching me to slow down. To appreciate small achievements. For letting me see late night moons and early sunrises. Thanks for letting me re-experience all the things I love about the world as I share them with you and see things through your eyes. Thank you for the greatest gift of all... the unending task of loving someone well and whole-heartedly and letting myself be loved in return. 

Your crying and such...

So basically the only time you cry is when you have gas. It's the most horrible thing ever. Sometimes you get so worked up and are red in the face, do a breathless cry, or your bottom lip gets to quaking. I'm trying some simple stuff I got at Earth Fare. We will see how that goes. I know there is a school of thought that says it depends on what I eat but I have no idea how to figure that out b/c the amount of things I eat, the time it takes all the different things to digest and then become breast milk, then the time it takes you to digest, and then the problem occurs. I mean how do you deduce what's causing it. Well, we are still going to try a week without dairy, with the exception of yogurt. I know I haven't been feeling good either since all the antibiotics killed my gut bacteria. We may have to get some of the bacteria tabs at Earth Fare to fix me and maybe that would help you too. I just so badly want to do everything right to ensure you are a happy baby. 

You went to the park yesterday and met two other babies from SRT, though you slept the whole time. It was so good to be outside with you that long. We may do that again soon regardless of friends and that way Momma can be in the fresh air. It's really unfortunate that we don't have trees on our property so that we can be outside more. I hate the idea of having to waste time, money, and gas just to go to a place with trees. But I'm thinking I could find something closer than that park. 

My friend Jaime told me of a book about sleeping habits and patterns, so I will have to get that soon. Also, I will soon research the pumping and bottle options so we can transition to that soon. 

You and I are going to run errands soon and that's about it for the day. Haydin... I love you so much. I love every thing about you. I'm so happy we made the choice to open the door to the possibility of you. 

17 Days Old

Okay, so this is my attempt to create a journal that's more specific to you Haydin. Who knows how long I will keep it up, online that is. You are so young, and yet it seems we've been together forever. There are moments where your father and I say "he's a boy right now", meaning there are already times where you look so much older, like a young boy instead of a baby. I find everything about you so fascinating right now, as I'm sure I always will. I look at you for hours actually and you have brought me to tears of joy and admiration even while you are asleep. I'm so happy to meet and finally see you and yet I miss you in utero so much. Having you safe and me knowing just what to do for you. You are so big and healthy, I feel so proud for having "grown" such a marvelous baby. Your umbilical stump fell off yesterday and it was surprisingly sad to me.  I don't ever want us to not be connected ya know? I get really tired out with the routines of taking care of you and yet I never want to let you out of my hands, I feel guilty every time I put you down. Everyone talks about the smell of babies... we don't use any scented products with you, so it's not the standard smell I think people talk about. It's just you, and it totally does a number on my heart. Your hair and skin are of course so smooth. Your eyes right now have these amazing silver/gray rings on the inside before changing to the deepest, yet somehow bright, blue eyes. Your big toe is almost the width of my pinkie. The faces you make are priceless. I could go on and on about your little body.

I had no idea though that I would experience such a range of emotions post-par tum, though I had read about it and my rational side acknowledged all the possibilities and planned different strategies for coping. Still didn't prepare me. I cry a lot, I feel frustrated and alone a lot. I feel pretty overwhelmed with the length of time it will be until you are semi independent. I constantly wonder if I'm going to know enough, at the right times, am I going to push hard enough, to make you as smart and healthy as possible. I don't want to miss out or make a mistake on important milestones I'm supposed to be setting up for you. I hate it when you cry, it's always because of gas, etc. but it just breaks my heart that you are uncomfortable and there is nothing I can do about it. It must be so hard on you all these new things and they are things you are having to learn and accomplish on your own really. I love breastfeeding you. Getting up at all hours, stumbling through the house with sweaty, wailing you is so worth seeing you lay there, connected to me, receiving nourishment and looking at me or even asleep. It's just so amazing.

Labor, the pain of it, has already faded from my memory. I'm so thankful that I got the chance to labor with/for you. That I tried for so long. There is nothing wrong with you, me or the end results of the c-section but still wish I would have been able to deliver you myself. And for your father to see that. But I sure did try. I was so happy to see you when your father brought you over to me. I also feel so special that when I spoke to you you turned your head to me and opened your eyes for the first time. That still blows my mind. 

I am waiting, rather impatiently I may add for my body to recover from you. Physically I feel almost 100% again, it's just the way I look that's driving me nuts. I know I need to give it some time though. I think I will expand on all that some other time. Time to go eat and then give you a bath.