Destined...

So to let you know about your father and I...

We had been together for 9 years before we started really discussing the possibility of you. Just to lay it all out there, because I know I will be this open and honest with you in life later on and in person: but I had had two abortions before I met your Dad. I have always felt assured and content with my decisions regarding both those situations. I believe each womyn will still always come away  some very powerful feelings though, such as "what if I'm punished for it later". That sentiment is funny where I'm concerned b/c I don't believe in a vengeful Creator, but sometimes those thoughts still creep in. Also, the hurt of both those situations, regarding the guys I was with at such a young age, still lingered and I found myself acting the hard-ass to cover for both situations when dealing with people. Everyone was always so concerned and caring which I've never been comfortable with being on the receiving end of love. So I just got into a pattern. "Nah, I don't want kids", "Gosh, I can't stand kids", on and on and on, more and more vehement. From the time we were together your Dad agreed with me, didn't want kids, just not who we were, better off just the two of us. Then when our 9 year mark rolled around there was a night I was a bit tipsy which lead to a bit emotional. I confronted Dad about "why don't you ever mention kids, do you think I wouldn't be a good mother?, or that I would look cute pregnant? etc". I started crying. Your father just chuckled as I want on and on  with all my "why don't yous?...." and wrapped me in his arms. Said, " I've always wanted kids with you Kate, I've just known you weren't ready to talk/think about them. I've just been agreeing with you. Can I stop agreeing with you now?" And so our conversations about choosing to have a child began. I'm so thankful that your father knows and loves me so much as to allow me to "heal" in that way, to push it away enough to want to pull it close and really examine it. He has always had a leg up on knowing me better than I know myself somehow. So we talked and talked about it. It never became an overwhelming desire of we really NEED a kid to make our life complete, to make things better, to make our relationship more healthy. That is something else I'm so grateful for. We love you so dearly but we started out loving each other so greatly that it actually was hard to consider bringing another person into our lives to share each other with. Anyway, I finally decided I would be off the pill and we would be safe in other ways so that my body could get healthy if we decided to go ahead with getting pregnant. Then we finally came up with a plan that was: we would go on vacation to Hatteras as usual and from that week on we would just let things happen and IF we got pregnant, ok. I had heard from all my girlfriends it usually takes 6 months of really trying to conceive. Somehow the planner that I am though had it all worked out that I would be pregnant at such-and-such time and out of work by such-and-such date, etc. So we go on vacation and not to be too detailed but it only happened twice where we were able to throw caution to the wind. It was a very strange feeling after all to consider after all this time of us just being intimate that this time it could be something on such a grand scale. I remember how awkward it was for both of us and that we both seemed more apprehensive than excited. So I changed my mind temporarily, thought, emotionally maybe neither one of us is ready for this. Wouldn't you know it though... you already existed. So that's where the destined comes in... I feel like the Creator has just been watching over you father and I for so long, loving us, giving us challenges together and amazing rewards and just waiting for us to open a door for you. And as quickly as it opened and shut, sent you our way. It's so great getting to know you because I feel like I've known you forever already. This whole time your little soul crafted hovering with us, all of us being crafted and honed for each other. It gives me such a sense of reassurance in life. Anytime I get nervous or upset about not "being more" in life, I just remember and look at this amazing road that Dad and I have been placed on and how every step leads us to another blessing. The biggest of which is you Haydin Fischer.