17 Days Old

Okay, so this is my attempt to create a journal that's more specific to you Haydin. Who knows how long I will keep it up, online that is. You are so young, and yet it seems we've been together forever. There are moments where your father and I say "he's a boy right now", meaning there are already times where you look so much older, like a young boy instead of a baby. I find everything about you so fascinating right now, as I'm sure I always will. I look at you for hours actually and you have brought me to tears of joy and admiration even while you are asleep. I'm so happy to meet and finally see you and yet I miss you in utero so much. Having you safe and me knowing just what to do for you. You are so big and healthy, I feel so proud for having "grown" such a marvelous baby. Your umbilical stump fell off yesterday and it was surprisingly sad to me.  I don't ever want us to not be connected ya know? I get really tired out with the routines of taking care of you and yet I never want to let you out of my hands, I feel guilty every time I put you down. Everyone talks about the smell of babies... we don't use any scented products with you, so it's not the standard smell I think people talk about. It's just you, and it totally does a number on my heart. Your hair and skin are of course so smooth. Your eyes right now have these amazing silver/gray rings on the inside before changing to the deepest, yet somehow bright, blue eyes. Your big toe is almost the width of my pinkie. The faces you make are priceless. I could go on and on about your little body.

I had no idea though that I would experience such a range of emotions post-par tum, though I had read about it and my rational side acknowledged all the possibilities and planned different strategies for coping. Still didn't prepare me. I cry a lot, I feel frustrated and alone a lot. I feel pretty overwhelmed with the length of time it will be until you are semi independent. I constantly wonder if I'm going to know enough, at the right times, am I going to push hard enough, to make you as smart and healthy as possible. I don't want to miss out or make a mistake on important milestones I'm supposed to be setting up for you. I hate it when you cry, it's always because of gas, etc. but it just breaks my heart that you are uncomfortable and there is nothing I can do about it. It must be so hard on you all these new things and they are things you are having to learn and accomplish on your own really. I love breastfeeding you. Getting up at all hours, stumbling through the house with sweaty, wailing you is so worth seeing you lay there, connected to me, receiving nourishment and looking at me or even asleep. It's just so amazing.

Labor, the pain of it, has already faded from my memory. I'm so thankful that I got the chance to labor with/for you. That I tried for so long. There is nothing wrong with you, me or the end results of the c-section but still wish I would have been able to deliver you myself. And for your father to see that. But I sure did try. I was so happy to see you when your father brought you over to me. I also feel so special that when I spoke to you you turned your head to me and opened your eyes for the first time. That still blows my mind. 

I am waiting, rather impatiently I may add for my body to recover from you. Physically I feel almost 100% again, it's just the way I look that's driving me nuts. I know I need to give it some time though. I think I will expand on all that some other time. Time to go eat and then give you a bath.