Your SMILE!...

Haydin Fischer...

wow, you blew my heart to bits this morning. You have been smiling lately (between 5 and 6 weeks) and it's been magical. However, this morning your Grandmother was holding you and you were doing some sweet little smiles and I was in the other room listening to the reactions, admittedly getting jealous. So I went out to see you and came up and spoke to you and you just poured out the biggest smile and shook your hands at me and it just kept going....

There you were smilin'

There I was cryin'

You melt my heart.

Photogenic...

Your Nana and I talked tonight. She says she notices something different about me in all the recent pics. My smile is a smile she's never seen before. A new one, from some new expanse of my heart. It's my smile, shinning with light, exuding pride, swelling with adoration, usurping all previous smiles...

my smile when I'm looking at you. 

On another "photo" note... I've never felt so photogenic. This is the first time in my life I haven't wanted to hide outside of the pictures. Where I haven't worried what I look like or sucked in my belly. My hair disheveled. No makeup in public, lol. Thanks for the liberation. Thanks for the inspiration. 

Bottles...

So Daddy gave you your second bottle tonight. This is really good as he craves to bond with you that way and it will give me some freedom. But I'm sad about it too, and a bit jealous. Granted being "on" all day and night for you is hard but I pride myself in giving you 110% and being good at it. It's hard for me to share that. Silly huh? Your father is so happy though and truly I am too. It feels a bit like you don't need me even though I know it's my milk. I'm sure this part will get easier too. 

The Lake...

I took you to Lake Powahtan today and we will be going there alot more this summer. You did so great! Got some sunshine, but not too much and we hung out in the shade mainly. Still, I had sunscreen on you but forgot it on myself. Momma has a charred back fur sure! Anyway, you were awake the whole time and just looking at your surroundings. I thought that was pretty cool. No fussiness from the heat or anything. I didn't take you in the water yet b/c Daddy wants to be the first one to do that. We are supposed to go to the pool tomorrow but I really don't want to with how much sun I got today. We shall see. Oh, and there was tons of wind today too, so you got lots of fresh air that way! 

Colic??

Wow, I read somewhere that it should be classified a four letter word... they are right. Now, judging on what I read you have very mild colic compared to lots of babies. Course, that doesn't surprise me, as your adoring mother, that you aren't like most babies... you are so wonderful by comparison on so many levels;) Anyway, that silly word Colic sounds like you have a hideous disease. Well, it just describes your fussy period of the day. Yours is late afternoon through evening, til like nine. Still, there are lots of moments during that where you are consolable. I just keep switching your position while holding you, sing to you, dance around, lay you on your changing table with your diaper undone and massage your sweet belly. Really that's the only thing you cry about, gas and poop! It's very heart-wrenching though as a parent. I see you straining until your face is beet red, you wail, you whimper, your whole body goes tense with pushing. I'd give anything for it to not hurt you. I know this will pass but for right now it's dreadful. Your Da had you last night and you just wouldn't stop. It wasn't that he was doing anything wrong, or that I could have done anything different to soothe you, but I wanted to rip you out of his arms because when you cry like that I feel as though I'm failing you somehow. Sure, I've read all the sites and books that say "don't worry you are not a bad parent, there isn't anything you can do". I refuse to believe that, of course, and want to do my damnedness. My stomach was so upset from hearing you wail I about vomited. Anyway, thank goodness all this will pass and soon your little system will feel and work alot better. 

Feeding you...

So you are a breastfed baby. You and I did great from the start. I was very determined that this was something that meant a lot to me for your health, well-being, and our bonding. I absolutely love doing it too. It doesn't even phase me really to get up that often in the night. Lately you are sleeping for longer periods and that has actually been hard on me because you were on a very great schedule already and now you and I are relearning it again. I suppose that will go on and on. So I finally dug in and opened the breast pump box, knowing this is the week to start a bottle to get you used to it so that Mom can have time away eventually to go back to work and do personal things eventually. So yesterday, sitting and watching my milk flow into a container that was not you, I sat there astounded, again,  by my sweet little body and what it's capable of. I considered that part of your Dad's Father's Day present yesterday. Your Da has been so amazing while I'm breast feeding you, always bringing you over to me but with slight jealousy. He's stated so many times that he wishes he could feed you and take care of you in that respect. I think that's so beautiful and honorable. So, this morning he got my milk out of the fridge, heated it up while cradling you, I went outside and he sat down in the rocker. You're such a champ with everything Haydin. You took that bottle and made your Da so happy. Later I came in as you were finished and I was so heartbroken and yet happy. It was like loosing a part of you and I already. Like you were growing up and away from me. I know we are continueing to breastfeed 90% of the time, I know you still need me, I know that sharing your love and that special bonding time with your Father is beneficial to all of us... but still. My heart was so twisted. Anyway, I'm so glad it went well. I'm excited to do it again and again, to see you grow healthy regardless of feeding method. 

Course, this all ended with you spitting it all back up on Da...

You had already done the same to me first thing in the morning. 

Silly boy. 

Little Hands...

The past week I've been most conscious of your hands. It is so special to me that you now hang on to me. When we are walking or you are breast-feeding you grab me with your free hand. It makes me think of so many moments like this to come. Hauling you out of the car when you are five and  groggy asleep, I still will be slinging you over my shoulder and you'll wrap limp arms around my neck and grasp at me. Taking walks and holding hands, swinging you one-armed, just the two of us. You sleeping on my chest and your hand splayed on my open skin, fingers dancing while you dream. Little hands touching my face, tangled in my hair, wrapped in a hug around my leg. Goddess, Haydin, I'm so excited for every moment to come in our future together. 

Keeping clean...

Your sweet little body. You've still got baby acne. Today found you have dandruff/cradle cap. There is milk smeared all over your face. You have so many folds, creases, tucks. Keeping you clean is a challenge... and you aren't even into things yet... yikes!  You already hate your face washed. You whip your head bad and forth to avoid the washcloth. Trying to figure out a way to make that silly or fun for you because, goddess knows, that's going to happen ALOT in the future! Maneuvering you in that tiny tub is so tricky too. You would think there would be an easier way. I love seeing the surprise on your face though as I slide you into water. Thinking of all the baths we will take together in the future, what fun! 

Destined...

So to let you know about your father and I...

We had been together for 9 years before we started really discussing the possibility of you. Just to lay it all out there, because I know I will be this open and honest with you in life later on and in person: but I had had two abortions before I met your Dad. I have always felt assured and content with my decisions regarding both those situations. I believe each womyn will still always come away  some very powerful feelings though, such as "what if I'm punished for it later". That sentiment is funny where I'm concerned b/c I don't believe in a vengeful Creator, but sometimes those thoughts still creep in. Also, the hurt of both those situations, regarding the guys I was with at such a young age, still lingered and I found myself acting the hard-ass to cover for both situations when dealing with people. Everyone was always so concerned and caring which I've never been comfortable with being on the receiving end of love. So I just got into a pattern. "Nah, I don't want kids", "Gosh, I can't stand kids", on and on and on, more and more vehement. From the time we were together your Dad agreed with me, didn't want kids, just not who we were, better off just the two of us. Then when our 9 year mark rolled around there was a night I was a bit tipsy which lead to a bit emotional. I confronted Dad about "why don't you ever mention kids, do you think I wouldn't be a good mother?, or that I would look cute pregnant? etc". I started crying. Your father just chuckled as I want on and on  with all my "why don't yous?...." and wrapped me in his arms. Said, " I've always wanted kids with you Kate, I've just known you weren't ready to talk/think about them. I've just been agreeing with you. Can I stop agreeing with you now?" And so our conversations about choosing to have a child began. I'm so thankful that your father knows and loves me so much as to allow me to "heal" in that way, to push it away enough to want to pull it close and really examine it. He has always had a leg up on knowing me better than I know myself somehow. So we talked and talked about it. It never became an overwhelming desire of we really NEED a kid to make our life complete, to make things better, to make our relationship more healthy. That is something else I'm so grateful for. We love you so dearly but we started out loving each other so greatly that it actually was hard to consider bringing another person into our lives to share each other with. Anyway, I finally decided I would be off the pill and we would be safe in other ways so that my body could get healthy if we decided to go ahead with getting pregnant. Then we finally came up with a plan that was: we would go on vacation to Hatteras as usual and from that week on we would just let things happen and IF we got pregnant, ok. I had heard from all my girlfriends it usually takes 6 months of really trying to conceive. Somehow the planner that I am though had it all worked out that I would be pregnant at such-and-such time and out of work by such-and-such date, etc. So we go on vacation and not to be too detailed but it only happened twice where we were able to throw caution to the wind. It was a very strange feeling after all to consider after all this time of us just being intimate that this time it could be something on such a grand scale. I remember how awkward it was for both of us and that we both seemed more apprehensive than excited. So I changed my mind temporarily, thought, emotionally maybe neither one of us is ready for this. Wouldn't you know it though... you already existed. So that's where the destined comes in... I feel like the Creator has just been watching over you father and I for so long, loving us, giving us challenges together and amazing rewards and just waiting for us to open a door for you. And as quickly as it opened and shut, sent you our way. It's so great getting to know you because I feel like I've known you forever already. This whole time your little soul crafted hovering with us, all of us being crafted and honed for each other. It gives me such a sense of reassurance in life. Anytime I get nervous or upset about not "being more" in life, I just remember and look at this amazing road that Dad and I have been placed on and how every step leads us to another blessing. The biggest of which is you Haydin Fischer. 

Teaching Me...

I had no idea you could teach me so much when you are so little. All the late night moments together are probably my favorite. You have taught me trust, with the look on your face as you lay your head on my shoulder as we dance and rock to soothe you. You have taught me to appreciate the fact that I'm very capable and adaptable like when I can make some of your first smiles happen, or cease your crying. You have taught me I'm truly a kinder more caring person than I've ever given myself credit for and I notice this with my need to to touch, hold, smell you even when I'm worn out from all of it. Mainly you are teaching me patience in life. Waiting for you to arrive, waiting to get my body back, being okay with not "accomplishing" big lofty things, waiting to hear you say you love me so I can finally know that I'm important to you not just in the survival sense. I told your Da last night that being a wife and mom is truly what I was destined to do and the rest doesn't really mean shit. It's an exciting feeling to finally know what to put all my energy towards... I am very determined to be both wife and mom to the best of my ability. Thank you for teaching me to slow down. To appreciate small achievements. For letting me see late night moons and early sunrises. Thanks for letting me re-experience all the things I love about the world as I share them with you and see things through your eyes. Thank you for the greatest gift of all... the unending task of loving someone well and whole-heartedly and letting myself be loved in return. 

Your crying and such...

So basically the only time you cry is when you have gas. It's the most horrible thing ever. Sometimes you get so worked up and are red in the face, do a breathless cry, or your bottom lip gets to quaking. I'm trying some simple stuff I got at Earth Fare. We will see how that goes. I know there is a school of thought that says it depends on what I eat but I have no idea how to figure that out b/c the amount of things I eat, the time it takes all the different things to digest and then become breast milk, then the time it takes you to digest, and then the problem occurs. I mean how do you deduce what's causing it. Well, we are still going to try a week without dairy, with the exception of yogurt. I know I haven't been feeling good either since all the antibiotics killed my gut bacteria. We may have to get some of the bacteria tabs at Earth Fare to fix me and maybe that would help you too. I just so badly want to do everything right to ensure you are a happy baby. 

You went to the park yesterday and met two other babies from SRT, though you slept the whole time. It was so good to be outside with you that long. We may do that again soon regardless of friends and that way Momma can be in the fresh air. It's really unfortunate that we don't have trees on our property so that we can be outside more. I hate the idea of having to waste time, money, and gas just to go to a place with trees. But I'm thinking I could find something closer than that park. 

My friend Jaime told me of a book about sleeping habits and patterns, so I will have to get that soon. Also, I will soon research the pumping and bottle options so we can transition to that soon. 

You and I are going to run errands soon and that's about it for the day. Haydin... I love you so much. I love every thing about you. I'm so happy we made the choice to open the door to the possibility of you.